“10 REASONS NOT TO HAVE SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE.”
Now most people that will tell you not to have sex until marriage probably haven’t had a lot of sex outside of marriage, and will give you some answer like “because it’s a sin” or “you are breaking a commandment” or something like that might not make a whole lot of sense to you. I on the other hand have had A LOT of sex outside of marriage and I’m here to explain to you very practically why you should wait to have sex until marriage, so practically in fact that you won’t even be able to dispute me because you’ll know that I’m right. Whether you choose to do it, well that’s up to you. I can’t do your push ups for you I can only show you the way. So let’s get started shall we?
- #10: Sex masks problems: When you’re having sex in a relationship what’s the point in really evaluating it? Why would you? You’re giving each other what you need. You might wonder sometimes if you’re in love or if you could spend the rest of your life with this person but you never really forced to look deeply. However when you’re not having sex you are forced to really examine it. Let me give you an example. My last relationship I was having sex with my girlfriend and I wasn’t sure if we were really in love or “built to last” I think I said. So I cut it off in the middle of it. And guess what, all the real issues came right up to the surface. Because when you’re not having sex it’s like: “well I want to have sex again, and I know you want to have sex again, and if we’re REALLY in love, then let’s get married. But if we’re not, let’s stop wasting each other’s time” Because you could waste years of each other’s lives, just having sex.
- #9: Marriage allows you to evaluate your real feelings: So you start talking about no sex before marriage and everyone freaks out because it sounds extreme. But if I were to say “no sex before love” that sounds more reasonable right? Something you can get your head around. Well the next question would be “how do you know if you’re in love?” My answer would be “you know if you’re in love because you’re willing to marry the person to have sex with them.” Because no one is going to marry someone just to sleep with them. There’s a verse in the bible that reads “ the heart is deceitful above all things” and it basically it tells us that our hearts will deceive us into believing something that’s not true so we give our flesh what it wants. Imagine you’re dating someone and you say to them “I’m in love with you let’s have sex.” And they say back to you “I love you too, but let’s get married first”, you would be like whoa, hold up let me think about this right? Because that’s a whole different conversation because we know marriage is hard to get out of. And that’s what the purpose of marriage was always for, to allow us to evaluate our real feelings to see if we were really in love so we didn’t get stuck with someone that we weren’t in love with.
- #8 Sex connects us: Ok this one is simple biology. There’s a hormone released called oxytocin that makes women attach to men and makes men protective over women. Google it. If you connect to someone that you’re not in love with, don’t start complaining when shit’s start falling apart in your relationship because you never took the time to find out who that person really was you jumped into bed (and a relationship) really was. Plus having multiple sex partners increase your risk of divorce, again Google it. It’s like having a piece of duct tape, and you stick it to something, and then you pull it away, and then you stick it to something else, and you pull it away, and if you do this enough times, eventually it can’t stick to anything. Sex is our connection mechanism hardwired into us. The good news, if you’ve already had sex it’s not too late! This connection mechanism can be restored with time.
- #7 Pregnancy: There’s always the chance you could make a baby when you have sex, and as I’ve already demonstrated, if you’re having sex outside of marriage there’s a pretty good chance it’s because at least one of you isn’t 100% sure they want to spend the rest of your life with that person. And if you make a baby with someone that you don’t plan to be with for the long haul there are only a few options and none of them are ideal. Abortion, adoption, single-parent home or loveless relationship.
- #6 Everybody else is “doing it”: Here’s a few stats for you. The average American goes on 3 dates before having sex. The rate of divorce in the United States is around 50%. My question is, of the people that are still married, what % of them are happy? Because my guess is it’s pretty low. If I had to guess I would say it’s around 20% and I suspect it could be even lower. But if it was 20% that would mean your chances of getting married and being happy are 1 in 10! IF you do it the way everyone else is doing it, which is what? Dating basically out of physical attraction and hooking up with the person after 3 dates. How well can you possibly know someone after 3 dates?! And now you’re in something complicated and connected to someone that you really don’t know that well. And that’s how people end up divorced or unhappily married. Contrast his with the less than 1 in 10 divorce rate of couples that waited til marriage to have sex and it aint hard to see the right way to go about this. Is it hard? Yes. But isn’t everything that works hard? Instant gratification NEVER produces long term happiness. Not in one single thing. It produces instant happiness and there’s a price to be paid for it down the road.
- #5 “That which we obtain too easily we esteem too lightly” Thomas paine
- There’s a saying that goes “what we obtain too easily we esteem too lightly”, and it basically means that if something didn’t cost you something you don’t really appreciate it that much. I’ve personally been abstinent now for the last 5 years while letting God prepare my heart for my future wife. If I were to meet her tomorrow, I think it’s reasonable to assume that I would date her for at least a year before getting married. If I’m strong enough to make it to my wedding night, that will mean I will have been abstinent for 6 years by the time we get married and I have sex. If we get into an argument or disagreement, how quickly do you think I’ll walk away from that relationship knowing that it could be another 6 years before I find the next Mrs Right? Whatever it is, we will work that shit out! Now contrast that, how easy is it for someone that had sex with their partner after 3 dates to throw it away and start over with someone new when things go south?
- #4 Transfer of control: Coming into a relationship the big thing that women have control over is when they have sex. 99 times out of 100 a woman is in control of that. But what often happens is that after sex, a woman will chase the man around for a relationship, the thing that he is in control of. Because when you boil it all the way down to the base, coming into a relationship, it was always supposed to be, a man was supposed to say to a woman, I will give you security (marriage), if you give me sex. So a woman that gives sex and doesn’t get commitment is just giving and not getting. And a man that is getting sex and doesn’t give commitment is just getting and not giving. This is why the world looks at a man that has sex with a lot of women as a stud, but a woman that has sex with a lot of men as a hoe. Not saying that one is less guilty of the other, but I did just prove my point.
- #3 If they marry you they mean it: Look talk is cheap. Ladies listen, guys are good salesman, they can tell you they love you and they might even mean it when they say it, but if they will wait until your wedding night to have sex with you, they probably mean it. If they won’t marry then tell them get to steppin’. Think how fast you will be able to go through the numbers of all the jokers until you find your prince charming that really does mean it? Trust me, he will be a lot happier you didn’t sleep with all those guys along the way too.
- #2 Physical attraction wears off: I’ve dated beautiful women in my life, and I found myself not even physically attracted to them anymore. I literally would lay next to them and would just rather have gone to sleep every night. There’s a saying that goes, “show me the hottest girl in the world and I’ll show you a guy that’s tired of sleeping with her.” While that saying is terrible there’s some truth to it. Because when you lead with physical attraction and then somehow find yourself in a relationship with that person, it’s like the trick the universe plays on you, now you’re not physically attracted to them anymore because you never connected on a deeper level.
- #1 Better to have long term friends than short term sex partners: Me and a couple friends started an organization called CityFam, and one of the tag lines we like to use is “Friends with better benefits”. Because what we found was life gets good when you have great relationships with others, especially members of the opposite sex. So why burn a relationship by having sex with someone that could be a great lifelong friend unless you’re sure that that you want to go to that level with the person for the long term? If you do decide to get physical someone will catch feelings and when that physical relationship ends you will lose that person as a friend.
So that’s it, those are my “10 REASONS NOT TO HAVE SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE.”
Hopefully after reading this you understand better why it just makes sense to wait, and the real reason people don’t want to wait isn’t because they don’t believe IT’S right thing to do, it’s because it’s hard. But let me finish by saying this, EVERYTHING that works is hard. Squats are hard, dieting is hard, keeping your word is hard. And by no means am I preaching to you here. The only reason that I know the things I do is because I’ve done EVERYTHING wrong! But here’s the good news, if you’ve already had sex it’s not too late! All of this still works. I know from experience.